Teresa Reviews “The Incredible Theft” (1989)

Fidelity to text: 4 spies.
It’s very close. The primary change (besides adding a chase scene because what is a movie without car chases?) is removing a few characters and substituting for them Captain Hastings, Chief Inspector Japp, and Miss Lemon. The stolen plans change slightly too, but since most of us can’t tell a bomber from a fighter on sight, it doesn’t matter. They’re airplanes. They fly.

Quality of movie on its own: 4 spies.

In addition to top-notch fashion, funny lines, English country house porn, and a touch of gratuitous nudity, you’ll get a vintage fighter plane dive-bombing its target! The pilot must have had a blast flying a genuine Supermarine Spitfire IX and demonstrating her maneuverability and firepower although that may have been special effects.

We open with Poirot demonstrating the proper way to keep a shine on patent leather shoes. Hastings is preoccupied with learning architectural terms to impress his new girlfriend, a student on the subject (he tried reading a book about Bernini but couldn’t make head nor tails of it).

Sadly, Hastings being Hastings, it’s wishful thinking on his part, and Poirot knows it. Girls, he tells his friend, do not want to talk about Bernini.

“I don’t know that she wants to talk about anything,” Hastings replies. “She’s never in when I go round to see her. I end up have tea with her mother every day.” There are a lot of these jokes embedded in the dialog, and you’ll have to pay close attention to catch them all.

Here’s another one. This is Tommy Mayfield asking an important question of Sir George Carrington, MP.

“Why do politicians treat everyone else like idiots?”

“Probably because they voted for us in the first place.”

Sir George should know, since Tommy Mayfield, wealthy industrial magnate and genius aircraft designer, is an idiot. His wife, Lady Mayfield (daddy was an earl so she retains her title despite marrying a commoner) knows her beloved husband is an idiot, which is why she hires Poirot to save him from himself. Poirot wants backup on this mission and plants Hastings in the nearby inn.

Sir George also knows that Tommy Mayfield is an idiot, based on his plan to salvage his reputation. That’s why Sir George has Chief Inspector Japp hiding out in the same inn until he’s needed. Naturally, being a small establishment, there’s not enough room at the inn. Hastings and Japp don’t just share a room. They share a bed. Hastings reveals to Poirot that Japp doesn’t merely talk in his sleep. He roars.

Meanwhile everyone other than Hastings and Japp is assembled at a fine English country house for drinks on the terrace, dinner, and cards afterward, and then … espionage courtesy of Mrs. Vanderlyn, American adventuress. She is the hussy Lady Mayfield is fretting over. What will happen to her husband as a result of Mrs. Vanderlyn’s machinations? Lady Mayfield is well aware of the young lord who committed suicide after his run-in with Mrs. Vanderlyn and she doesn’t want her Tommy to suffer.

Sir George is also worried about her, but in a different way. Thanks to a previous scandal involving the Japanese, Tommy’s reputation is mud down at Whitehall. As a result, the government is reluctant to back his new fighter design. He decides to invite Mrs. Vanderlyn to the house, catch her in the act of stealing the plans, and show the government he’s worth trusting. Now the audience knows he’s an idiot.

Lady Mayfield wears great clothes with great hats but they’re appropriate for whatever situation you see her in, including meeting Poirot at the Penguin Pool at the London Zoo. Insert morning dress versus evening dress jokes here if you like. Poirot is, after all, underdressed compared to the penguins. That’s a rare situation for him!

In contrast, Mrs. Vanderlyn wears fabulous clothes and is always overdressed.

It’s part of her image. That slinky silver lamé dress is to die for. Then there are her fitted suits with matching hats and mink stoles. She’s got clothing just for the boudoir, a lovely confection of lace and satin.

When the plans vanish and she is taken down to the police station, Mrs. Vanderlyn supplies intimations of gratuitous nudity when she’s strip-searched by a female constable behind privacy glass. Watch Inspector Japp trying very hard not to ogle and failing repeatedly.

The female constable doesn’t find anything suspicious because Mrs. Vanderlyn doesn’t make rookie mistakes. Even her gratuitous namedropping (like her overdressing) isn’t a mistake because she’s ensuring those English snobs underestimate her.

She escapes with the secret fighter plans, leading to the exciting added chase. Hastings is at the wheel of a stolen police car, following Mrs. Vanderlyn and her chauffeur to the conveniently nearby English country estate being rented by the ambassador from Germany. She drops off the stolen plans, snaps off a Heil Hitler salute and drives off, satisfied with a job well done.

One has to wonder what her chauffeur thought, watching the lady who employs him dropping off a suspicious suitcase with the German ambassador after being pursued by a police car at high speeds through the English countryside. But we aren’t told. Similarly, what does Mrs. Vanderlyn’s maid think? Mrs. Vanderlyn must have one with that stunning wardrobe to take care of but we never learn what her lady’s maid knows. We never see her lady’s maid at all.

The espionage case is swiftly solved by Poirot. It’s simple enough that Hastings could have solved it. If only two people have access to the plans, then those are the two people involved. This was not the kind of plot that involves Mission: Impossible ninjas worming their way in via the skylights and threading through spider webs of laser beams to steal the plans.

Ah, but are those the real plans Mrs. Vanderlyn stole, you ask? Not exactly. They’re close though. Close enough that Mrs. Vanderlyn is very pleased with herself. If she had any doubts about the validity of the plans, the strip-search and being chased by a police car put them to rest. Close enough, one assumes, to fool the German high command. Close enough that all ends happily for Tommy and Lady Mayfield. Papa Poirot gives them a little lecture on communication skills, and you know they’ll live happily ever after.

It’s a pity that Captain Hastings doesn’t listen to Poirot about communications skills between couples but if he did, he wouldn’t be our captain.

For a very simple story, there’s plenty to enjoy in The Incredible Theft. With incredible clothes, great Art Deco settings, snappy dialog, and unexpected humor, this episode has it all.

(Watch it on Amazon)